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The Courage to be Disliked

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courage

This book was originally recommended to me by two completely different sources, both of them very high performers. Most recently, one of them raised over $50 million in funding for his startup's Series B led by Andreessen Horowitz. The book came with very high expectations, which it didn't fail to exceed. Here are my thoughts and distillation.

🎨 Impressions

The Courage to Be Disliked is a thought-provoking and liberating book that challenges conventional wisdom about happiness, success, and self-worth. By applying Adlerian psychology, it argues that people are not defined by their past, that all problems stem from interpersonal relationships, and that true happiness comes from living authentically and contributing to others without seeking approval. It dismantles the need for validation, encourages radical self-acceptance, and teaches that freedom comes from the courage to be disliked. This book is especially valuable for people-pleasers, perfectionists, and those struggling with self-doubt or social anxiety. It's also a must-read for anyone who feels trapped by societal expectations or believes that their happiness depends on others.

📒 Summary

Deny trauma - the past does not define you

Instead of asking "what caused my problems" ask yourself what's the purpose of my current behavior.

This shift in perspective is fundamental to Adlerian psychology and opens up new possibilities for personal growth. By examining the purpose behind our actions rather than dwelling on past causes, we gain the power to make different choices. Let's explore how this purpose-driven thinking manifests in everyday situations.

📖 Teleology vs Etiology

  1. Teleology (purpose-driven thinking): The belief that people act based on their goals and the purposes they want to achieve, rather than being controlled by past experiences.
  2. Etiology (cause-driven thinking): The belief that current behavior's are caused by past event or traumas. Freud explains it as past experiences, specially childhood events shape personality and dictate present behavior.

Examples:

Fear of failure

  • Etiology: I avoid applying for promotions because I failed an important exam as a child, and that failure still affects me.
  • Teleology: I choose not to apply for promotions because it protects me form the possibility of failing and feeling embarrassed

The real purpose is to avoid potential rejection, not because of past failure.

Social Anxiety:

  • Etiology: I can't make friends because I was bullied in school
  • Teleology: I choose not to engage in social situations because I want to avoid the discomfort of potential rejection

The person is using past bullying as an excuse, in reality, they're choosing to avoid the social risk.

Procrastination:

  • Etiology: I procrastinate because I always been a lazy person
  • Teleology: I procrastinate because I want to avoid the pressure of doing my work perfectly

The purpose behind procrastination is usually fear of failure, not inherent laziness.

Staying in a toxic relationship:

  • Etiology: I stay in this bad relationship because I have abandonment issues from childhood.
  • Teleology: I stay because I don't want to face the discomfort of being alone and starting over.

The person is choosing to stay to avoid loneliness, instead of facing the discomfort of finding someone new that might be better for them

Public speaking anxiety:

  • Etiology: I can't speak in public because I deeply embarrassed myself once in school
  • Teleology: I choose to avoid public speaking because I don't want to feel vulnerable and judged.

The real reason is fear of judgement, not a past event.

Avoiding exercising

  • Etiology: I don't workout because I was never an athletic person, that's not my identity.
  • Teleology: I avoid the gym because I don't want to feel embarrassed in front of fit people.

The avoidance is a choice between present feelings and not past inability.

All problems are interpersonal problems

According to Adlerian psychology, all personal struggles are fundamentally interpersonal in nature. Rather than viewing stress, anxiety, and low self-esteem as purely internal issues, Adler proposed that these problems arise from how we position ourselves in relation to others. Our perceptions of acceptance, rejection, competition, and comparison form the foundation of our psychological challenges.

Inferiority and superiority complexes

People suffering comes from comparing themselves to others. This creates inferiority complexes (thinking you're worse than others) and superiority complexes (acting superior to hide insecurity). The healthiest mindset is recognizing everyone as equals in a horizontal relationship, rather than any sort of a hierarchical one. For example:

  • If someone feels inferior because they earn less money than a friend, they're perceiving life as a competition. Here the real problem is not their actual circumstances, but the comparison itself.
  • A person constantly brags about their accomplishments or wealth to feel better about themselves. However, the need to feel superior is just another way of avoiding the fear of being inferior.

Horizontal vs vertical relationships

  • Vertical relationships are hierarchical - one person is perceived as above or below. For instance a boss and an employee and a parent over a child.
  • Horizontal relationships treat everyone as equals, aiming to avoid unnecessary competition.

Healthy relationships are built on equality, not superiority or inferiority.

The trap of social comparisons

Competing with others is a source of major suffering yet people structure their lives around this mental model. If your goal is to win over someone else you will never be satisfied because there will be always someone ahead of you.

Stop trying to "win" in life. Instead, focus on your own progress, independent of others.

The liberation from interpersonal problems

If you stop comparing yourself to others and seeking approval, your problems lose their power over you. Most fears—such as embarrassment, rejection, and others—only exist because we care what others think. If you're able to detach your self-worth from how others see you, you will feel a true sense of liberation.

The less you compare yourself to others, the freer and happier you will become.

  • Let go of comparison and competition.
  • Avoid both inferiority and superiority complexes.
  • Build horizontal relationships based on equality.
  • Stop basing your self-worth on external validation.

Discard other people's tasks

Focus only on what you can control. "Separation of tasks" is a way to free yourself from unnecessary suffering by clearly distinguishing between what is your responsibility and what is someone else's.

To determine whether something is your task or someone else's, ask yourself: "Who will ultimately experience the consequences of this decision?"

Examples:

  1. Parenting: Parents often think it's their task to ensure their child gets good grades. In reality, it's the child's task to study, learn, and face the consequences of their efforts. The parents' actual task is only to provide guidance and support, not to control the child's actions.
  2. Romantic relationships: A person stays in an unhappy relationship because she doesn't want to hurt her partner's feelings. She thinks, "If I leave, he will be devastated." It is your task to decide whether or not to leave; how he reacts emotionally is his task. You're not responsible for managing other people's emotions.
  3. Workplace stress: A man is miserable at his job but stays because his boss depends on him. He worries that if he quits, his team will be disappointed. Your task is to decide what's best for your life; whether your boss or team is upset is their task. You are responsible for your own choices.

Your happiness depends on separating your tasks from others. Focus only on what you can control and do let others dictate your choices, you're responsible for your own life - no one else.

The courage to be disliked

True freedom comes from having the courage to live according to your own beliefs, even if it means being disliked. Many people compromise their values, dreams and happiness just to avoid criticism or rejection. However trying to please everyone is an impossible and exhausting task.

Seeking approval is deeply ingrained in human nature because we are social creatures. People adjust their behavior to fit in, fearing that if they're disliked they will be excluded. The issue here is that it leads to self-betrayal—we suppress our true selves just to please others, which leads to feeling empty.

The key concept here is "Not everyone has to like you—and that's OK." When you accept that being disliked is part of life, you stop living in fear. Even the most successful, kind, and admired people have critics.

Have the courage to be disliked and live authentically, this means:

  • Say no when you mean no.
  • Express your true opinions instead of agreeing just to fit in.
  • Follow your passions even if others don't approve.

In summary, stop trying to please everyone—it will make you miserable. Accept that not everyone will like you, and that's OK. Your worth does not depend on external validation. Live authentically, even if that means being disliked.

True happiness comes from contribution, live in the moment, not for recognition

Happiness is found in living in the present and contributing to others - not in seeking approval or future rewards. People tie their self-worth to achievements and recognition, believing they will only be happy when they reach a certain goal or when others acknowledge their efforts. True fulfillment comes from focusing on what you can contribute to the world in this moment, without expecting anything in return. If you're always chasing happiness, you will never catch it. Believing that getting a promotion, finding a partner, or building your startup will make you happy—happiness will always feel just out of reach.

Importantly, contribution is not the same as self-sacrifice; it should feel fulfilling, not draining. Many people overwork themselves by saying yes to everything out of obligation rather than joy, which leads to resentment rather than true giving. Additionally, focusing on contributing to others helps overcome feelings of inferiority, as self-worth becomes rooted in making a positive impact rather than comparing oneself to others.

Contributing also strengthens relationships, as meaningful connections are built on giving and mutual support, rather than expecting validation or constant attention. The highest level of contribution is when one gives without attachment to results—offering love, kindness, and support without demanding praise, gratitude, or a specific outcome. When you embrace contribution as a way of life, you achieve true happiness, freedom, and a deeper sense of purpose.

☘️ How the Book Changed Me

  • There will be no bigger source of joy in your life than knowing you've positively affected the lives of other people. Optimize for that.
  • People mold their emotions to cater to their actions—not the other way around. You create anger in order to shout; you don't feel anger and then shout. Try to understand why you're feeling the way you're feeling, then be courageous enough to face it. The hard decision and the right decision are usually the same.
  • Most of our problems stem from how we position ourselves in relation to others. Never think of someone as inferior or superior—see them simply as peers. Avoid comparison at all costs; it's a recipe for misery.
  • You must stop seeking external validation and praise—this is a recipe for disaster. Don't place your sense of self-worth on something outside of your control.
  • Know what's your responsibility and what are other people's tasks. Stop taking responsibility for anything that's not yours. As the serenity prayer goes: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference."
  • Stop trying to please everyone—it will make you miserable. Accept that not everyone will like you, and that's OK. Your worth does not depend on external validation. Live authentically, even if that means being disliked.
  • True happiness comes from contributing to others.

✍️ My Top Quotes

  • The greatest joy in life is not being praised, but knowing that you've contributed to someone else's happiness.
  • You're not controlled by your past experiences, but by the meaning that you give to them.
  • If you're not disliked by anyone, you're living too cautiously.
  • Interpersonal relationships are the source of all problems - but they're also the source of happiness.
  • You do not lack ability. You lack courage.
  • if you cannot change, is because you're choosing not to.
  • If you focus on what you can control, you will never be controlled by others.