How not to die alone

🚀The Book in 3 Sentences

Great relationships are built and not discovered.
We are in the middle of a gigantic cultural experiment and dating has never been harder than now.
Using tools from psychology and behavioural science we can take control of our love lives.

🎨 Impressions

This book has summarised about a decade of therapy for me. It has helped me to:

Understand pitfalls in my dating life that I haven’t considered at all, some of them are absolutely mind-blowing and are behaviours that have caused me a lot of trouble and suffering.
Developed a better understanding of some pitfalls that I was aware of, the author gives phenomenal examples of each one of them, and most importantly she provides tools to help us improve.
Learned new ideas, frameworks and techniques to live a more happy romantic life.

Who Should Read It?

I think is a phenomenal read for anyone who has an interest in a romantic partnership, particularly for those who have struggled to find one or keep one alive. There is also great wisdom on relationship milestones, remaining happy in them, and navigating them more intentionally - hence I believe anyone who is in a relationship would benefit from this book.

☘️ How the Book Changed Me

It has deeply changed my outlook on romantic relationships
Great relationships are built and not discovered.
We all have blind spots that hinder us when it comes to finding love, the author separates the most common tendencies into 3: Romanticizer, Maximizer and Hesitater. Understanding your dating tendency can help in knowing where your blind spots are, and what things you should be working on.
Attachment styles are a popular framework for understanding relationships, they tend to explain why are attracted to certain people, why past relationships haven’t worked out and why we are trapped in a pattern of bad habits.
The vast majority of people don’t actually know what really matters for committed long-term relationships. Seek life partners: people who are trustworthy and reliable and who will stay with you for the long haul. Avoid “prom dates”: individuals who are fun in the short term but ultimately will let you down.
Superficial qualities like looks and money matter far less for long-term relationship success than people think they do because lust fades and people adapt to their circumstances. The same goes for shared hobbies and similar personalities.
A great long-term partner is loyal, kind and emotionally stable, a person with whom you can grow, make hard decisions and fight constructively.
At its very core, a relationship is about what happens when the two of you come together. Focus on the side of you this person brings out because that’s who you’ll be whenever you’re with them.
Apps can make us more indecisive by overwhelming us with choices. They’ve created a habit of relationshopping—comparing and contrasting people like potential purchases.
In regards to dating, we’re suffering from the rise of evaluative dating—cross-examinations that feel like job interviews. Throw away your checklist and shift to the experiential mindset. Stay present and pay attention to how you feel around the other person. Also, remember to use a pre-date ritual to get into the right mental state before a date.
Feeling the “spark” is not always a good thing. That feeling of chemistry may actually be anxiety because the person doesn’t make it clear how they feel about you. Sometimes the presence of a spark is more an indication of how charming someone is—or how narcissistic—and less a sign of a shared connection. If you feel the spark, that doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is viable. Even if it leads you into a long-term relationship, it’s not nearly enough to keep the relationship going; nor is it a sign that you’re meant to be together.
Psychologists describe two ways couples transition into the next stage of a relationship: deciding or sliding. Deciding means making intentional choices about relationship transitions. Those who slide slip into the next stage without giving it much thought. Couples who decide tend to enjoy healthier relationships.
When you’ve decided you want to break up with someone, it’s time to make a plan. Think through what you’re going to say and when and where you’re going to say it. Be kind but firm.
Breakups wreak havoc on your physical and emotional health. But we’re more resilient than we think. What you feel during a breakup is only temporary. You can regain your sense of identity, which is often disrupted by a breakup, by participating in “rediscover yourself” activities—things that you enjoyed doing previously but gave up during your relationship. You can grow from the experience by focusing on what you learned and what you’ll do differently in the future. Go from “Time heals all wounds” to “Meaning heals all wounds.”
Creating a relationship that can evolve is the key to making it last. We underestimate how much we’ll grow and change in the future, and should seek out relationships where we can learn and grow together with our partner.

✍️ My Top 3 Quotes

These are all very personal quotes that apply particularly well to my attachment style and my maximizer tendency (both of which are bad).

Psychologist and The Paradox of Choice author Barry Schwartz explains that what separates Maximizers and Satisficers is not the quality of their decisions, it’s how these decisions make them feel: “Maximizers make good decisions and end up feeling bad about them. Satisficers make good decisions and end up feeling good.” What’s your goal? To have the world’s best coffee machine or to be happy? If it’s happiness you’re after, it’s the subjective experience, not the objective result, that really matters.
when you sense yourself focusing on your partner’s shortcomings and wanting to leave because of them, try a different technique: Practice looking for the positive qualities instead. Remember that no one is perfect, and if you leave, the next person you meet won’t be perfect, either.
You may be anxiously attached if you crave a lot of closeness but are insecure about your relationship’s future and your partner’s interest in you. You may be avoidantly attached if you feel uncomfortable with intimacy and value independence over connection. You may be securely attached if you are comfortable with intimacy, spending time alone, and drawing clear boundaries.
People with a growth mindset believe that they can improve their intelligence and skills. They love to learn. They’re motivated by challenges and see failure as a sign that they need to stretch their abilities. They’re resilient and comfortable taking risks. Someone with a fixed mindset believes the opposite: that talent and intelligence are assigned at birth and taking a risk only presents an opportunity to embarrass yourself.

Quotes by chapter

How to understand the challenges of modern dating

If it feels like we’re in the middle of a gigantic cultural experiment, it’s because we are.
while people crave choice, too many options can make us feel less happy and more doubtful of our decisions. They call this the paradox of choice.
We’ve gotten hooked on this feeling of certainty, and we crave it in our romantic lives. But when it comes to relationships, that kind of assurance doesn’t exist.
Great relationships are built, not discovered. But our minds are often stuck in a trap, thinking that by combing through hundreds of options, we’ll be closer to knowing whether the one in front of us is “right.”

Dating is harder now than ever before. And you can tell your mom I said that. Here’s why:
- We define our own identities, unlike our ancestors, whose lives were defined by their communities.
- We have thousands of options at our fingertips, which causes us to question our decisions.
- We’re uncomfortable making big decisions when we can’t research our way to the right answer.
- Social media leads us to believe that everyone else is in healthier, happier relationships than we are.
- Far too few of us have good relationship role models.
- There are far more models for dating and long-term relationships.
- We’re bombarded with messaging that we need to get this decision “right”—and that a right answer exists at all.
But there’s hope. Using insights from behavioral science, we can take control of our love lives.

Many people suffer from dating blind spots—patterns of behavior that hold them back from finding love, but which they can’t identify on their own.
I’ve categorized the most common blind spots into a framework called The Three Dating Tendencies. Each group struggles with unrealistic expectations.
- The Romanticizer has unrealistic expectations of relationships. They want the soul mate, the happily ever after—the whole fairy tale.
- The Maximizer has unrealistic expectations of their partner. They love to explore their options and want to feel absolutely confident they’re making the right decision.
- The Hesitater has unrealistic expectations of themselves. They feel like they’re not ready to date.
Understanding your dating tendency helps you discover what’s holding you back and how you can overcome these blind spots.

How to overcome the romanticiser tendency

In behavioral science, we know mindset matters. Our attitudes and expectations create the context for our experience, which in turn affects how we interpret information and make decisions.
We all know rom-coms are not real life. Yet they’ve still surreptitiously bored their way into our collective subconscious.
The magic of a relationship doesn’t depend on a serendipitous or cinematic meeting. The magic lies in the fact that two strangers come together and create a life. It’s not important where or how they met.

Our mindset matters! The ability to shift your mindset from soul mate to work-it-out beliefs could mean the difference between finding a life partner or not.
- People with soul mate beliefs reject promising partners because they don’t match their vision for what love should look and feel like. They think that love will just happen to them. They expect love to be effortless. If it’s not, they must be with the wrong person.
- People with a work-it-out mindset know that relationships take effort and that building a successful relationship is a process.
Our belief in fate and fairy tales—caused in part by Disney movies, rom-coms, and social media—creates unrealistic expectations for finding and sustaining relationships. Remember, no one is perfect, including you. Even Prince Charming has morning breath.
The Happily-Ever-After Fallacy is the mistaken idea that the hard work of love is finding someone. In reality, that’s only the beginning. Staying in love takes work, too. If you expect relationships to be easy, you’ll be caught off guard when they hit an inevitable rough patch.
It’s time to embrace (and seek out) real love, scuffs and all!

How to overcome the maximizer tendency

Satisficers may have very high standards and stop only after those standards have been met. The difference is, once they stop, they don’t worry about what else is out there.
Anxiety plagues Maximizers. It’s not just FOMO (fear of missing out). They also suffer from the less catchy FOMTWD (fear of making the wrong decision). They think maximizing will help them make the perfect choice and alleviate their anxiety. But FOMTWD creates an immense amount of pressure. Anything less than perfection feels like failure.
Do Maximizers obtain better outcomes? We can think about this question in two ways—the objective result and the subjective experience. In other words, the quality of your choice and how you feel about it.
Satisficers report feeling happier with their choices, even when they select an objectively worse option.
Psychologist and The Paradox of Choice author Barry Schwartz explains that what separates Maximizers and Satisficers is not the quality of their decisions, it’s how these decisions make them feel: “Maximizers make good decisions and end up feeling bad about them. Satisficers make good decisions and end up feeling good.” What’s your goal? To have the world’s best coffee machine or to be happy? If it’s happiness you’re after, it’s the subjective experience, not the objective result, that really matters.
Once we commit to something, our brain helps us rationalize why it was the right choice. Rationalization is our ability to convince ourselves we did the right thing.

Maximizers obsess over making the right decision. They want to explore every possible option before they make a choice. Even when they decide, they constantly wonder what they’re missing out on. Satisficers figure out what they want and stop looking once they’ve met their criteria. They don’t settle, they merely stop worrying what else is out there once they’ve made a decision.
Research shows that Satisficers tend to be happier, because in the end, satisfaction comes from how you feel about your decision, not the decision itself.
The current dating climate creates Maximizers out of many of us. No one ever seems good enough, and we wonder if we could be happier with someone else. Maximizing tendencies in relationships can lead to mental anguish, costly delays in decision-making, and missed opportunities.
Maximizers assume there is a right answer for whom to be with. And there’s not. We can apply lessons from the Secretary Problem to see that we likely already have enough dating experience to select a great partner. This knowledge can help us commit without worrying about what else is out there. The power of rationalization can also help us embrace our decisions.

How to overcome the hesitater tendency

But people who wait until they are 100 percent ready underestimate what they’re missing out on.
When you wait to date, you’re missing out on more than you think. Economists often refer to the opportunity cost of decisions—the price you pay when you choose one option over another. If you’re facing two mutually exclusive choices, Option A and Option B, your opportunity cost is what you give up from Option A if you choose Option B, and vice versa.
When you wait to date, and sit at home thinking about how you’re not ready yet, someone like you is going on a first date. They’re practicing their storytelling abilities, their listening skills, and their French-kissing technique. They’re getting in their reps.
Behavioral science warns us of the dreaded intention-action gap, when we intend to do something but don’t take the steps to make it happen.
If you publicly announce your goals to others, you’re more likely to stay focused on them. A team of researchers led by social psychologist Kevin McCaul demonstrated this in a fascinating experiment.
we’re less committed to choices we think we can reverse, and commitment is crucial for happiness.
In other words, we want reversible decisions, but irrevocable ones make us happier in the long term. Keeping your ex around as a potential love interest turns your breakup into a changeable decision. Allow yourself to move on by making it an unchangeable one.

Hesitaters delay dating because they don’t feel 100 percent ready yet and want to put their best foot forward. But no one ever feels 100 percent ready for anything. At a certain point, you just have to start.
Perfection is a lie. Everyone else is imperfect, too—even the person you’ll eventually end up with.
By waiting to date, Hesitaters miss out on a chance to develop their dating skills and figure out what type of person they want to be with.
Here’s how you can learn to overcome your hesitation:
1. Set deadlines for yourself.
2. Do prep work for your new dating life.
3. Tell others about your plan.
4. Commit to your new identity as a “dater.”
5. Start with small goals.
6. Be compassionate with yourself.
7. STOP TALKING TO YOUR EX!

How to manage your attachment style

You can read entire books on the topic, including Attached, by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, and Hold Me Tight, by Sue Johnson,
That’s because secure people tend to get snatched up quickly. They’re good at building healthy relationships, so they tend to stay in them. That’s why the dating pool is full of anxious and avoidant daters.
when you sense yourself focusing on your partner’s shortcomings and wanting to leave because of them, try a different technique: Practice looking for the positive qualities instead. Remember that no one is perfect, and if you leave, the next person you meet won’t be perfect, either.

Attachment theory is a popular framework for understanding relationships. It can help explain why you’re attracted to certain people, why past relationships haven’t worked out, and why you’re trapped in a pattern of bad habits.
You may be anxiously attached if you crave a lot of closeness but are insecure about your relationship’s future and your partner’s interest in you. You may be avoidantly attached if you feel uncomfortable with intimacy and value independence over connection. You may be securely attached if you are comfortable with intimacy, spending time alone, and drawing clear boundaries.
Securely attached folks make up 50 percent of the population but not the dating pool, since they tend to get into relationships and stay in them. Anxiously attached and avoidantly attached people often date each other, reinforcing their worst tendencies.
If you’re anxiously attached or avoidantly attached, you can help yourself develop better relationship skills by looking for a secure partner and learning to self-regulate—managing disruptive impulses and emotions.

Focus on what matters in a long-term partner

present bias, an error in judgment that causes us to place a disproportionately high value on the here and now and an inappropriately low value on the future.
What’s an ideal prom date? Someone who looks great in pictures, gives you a night full of fun, and makes you look cool in front of your friends. Many of us finished high school more than a decade ago, and yet we’re still using the same rubric to evaluate potential partners.
When you’re thinking about who to marry, she says, don’t ask yourself: What would a love story with this person look like? Instead, ask: Can I make a life with this person? That’s the fundamental distinction.
Not only do we undervalue the qualities that matter for long-term relationships, we overvalue irrelevant ones. In part, we can blame a cognitive error called the focusing illusion—our tendency to overestimate the importance of certain factors when anticipating outcomes, like our future happiness.
What’s more, research from Harvard Business School found that couples who can afford to outsource time-intensive tasks like cooking and cleaning enjoy greater relationship satisfaction because they can spend more quality time together.
Key tip for your dating search When we make a decision, we tend to focus on the immediate joy or misery it will bring. But remember: We are bad fortune-tellers! We often can’t account for how those feelings will change over time. Money matters, but only up to a certain extent. You’re not wrong for considering that element of your future relationship, but don’t prioritize wealth above all else.
In his book The Science of Happily Ever After, psychologist Ty Tashiro analyzed a fourteen-year longitudinal study of satisfaction in marriages over time. He found that over the course of seven years, “lust” (sexual desire) for a partner declined twice as fast as “liking” (friendship characterized by loyalty and kindness).
If you’re judging your relationship during a stage when you have sex all the time, how well can you predict what the relationship will be like when that slows down? And if it’s good sex you’re after, there’s no guarantee someone who is attractive will even be good in bed. There may be skills that beautiful people never develop because they don’t need to.
Finally, remember what we just learned about adaptation. Even if you marry the most attractive person, eventually, you’ll get used to how they look. That initial pleasure will fade. A big part of our sex drive is associated with novelty. So no matter how hot your partner is, it’s likely that your sexual interest in them will decrease over time, simply because they are no longer new to you. To paraphrase some Internet wisdom: “For every hot person, there is someone out there tired of having sex with them.”
Key tip for your dating search Physical attraction can obscure long-term compatibility. Pay attention to whether or not you’re attracted to someone and focus less on how society would evaluate that person’s looks. Don’t prioritize lust over more important long-term factors.
“There is no correlation between how satisfied or how happy you are with a relationship and how similar your personalities are.”
Key tip for your dating search Find someone who complements you, not your personality twin.
Here’s the key: It’s fine to have different interests, so long as the time you spend pursuing your favorite activities doesn’t preclude you from investing in the relationship.
Key tip for your dating search Don’t worry about finding someone with the same hobbies. It’s fine to enjoy different activities as long as you give each other the space and freedom to explore those hobbies on your own.
Remember, just because they don’t share all your interests doesn’t make them a bad partner! And for those roles your partner isn’t suited for, find a friend or family member who can fill in. In the long run, this will make you happier because your needs are being met. And it will make your partner happier because they can focus on roles that match their skills and interests.
He defines emotional stability as being able to self-regulate and not give in to anger or impulsivity.
Key tip for your dating search You can get a sense of how kind someone is by paying attention to how they treat people from whom they don’t need anything. Are they nice to the waiter? Do they give up their seat on the subway? Are they patient with new team members who are learning the ropes at work? Do they treat their friends and parents with compassion? One way to get a sense of someone’s emotional stability is to pay attention to how they respond to stressful situations. Do they freak out or keep their cool? Emotionally stable partners are measured in their responses. They take time to thoughtfully respond rather than impulsively react. When I explain this concept to my clients, I quote Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor and celebrated psychiatrist. He wrote: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” Someone who is emotionally stable takes advantage of that space.
Key tip for your dating search One easy way to estimate someone’s loyalty is to see if they have friends from different stages of their lives. How many old friendships have they carried with them over the years? Did they ditch their college bestie when they got depressed, or do they still meet up for monthly movie matinees? Do people from their past seem to rely on them for companionship and support? Of course, there are exceptions to this rule, since some people have moved around a lot or lived in places where they didn’t fit in. But in general, old friendships indicate loyalty.
People with a growth mindset believe that they can improve their intelligence and skills. They love to learn. They’re motivated by challenges and see failure as a sign that they need to stretch their abilities. They’re resilient and comfortable taking risks. Someone with a fixed mindset believes the opposite: that talent and intelligence are assigned at birth and taking a risk only presents an opportunity to embarrass yourself.
Key tip for your dating search You can spot people with a growth mindset by paying attention to how they handle themselves in different situations.

Personality That Brings Out the Best in You In the end, a relationship is not about who each of you is separately, it’s about what happens when the two of you come together. What does this person bring out in you? Does their kindness make you feel relaxed and cared for? Or does their anxiety provoke your anxiety?
Key tip for your dating search Pay attention to how you feel when you’re around this person or right after you finish spending time together. Energized? Deflated? Bored? Challenged? Happy? Desired? Smart? Stupid? Select someone who brings out the best side of you. It could also be helpful to get a third-party view by going out with a group of friends. Instead of asking, “What did you think of him?” ask, “What did you think of me around him?”
John Gottman discovered that 69 percent of all relationship conflicts are perpetual.
The goal is not to convince each other to change or even to come to an agreement—it’s to find a productive way to live with this difference.
As the late couples therapist Dan Wile explained in his book After the Honeymoon: “When choosing a long-term partner, you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unresolvable problems.” The goal isn’t to find someone with whom you don’t fight. It’s to choose a partner with whom you fight well, and who doesn’t make you worry that the fight will end the relationship.
“When choosing a long-term partner, you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unresolvable problems.” The goal isn’t to find someone with whom you don’t fight. It’s to choose a partner with whom you fight well, and who doesn’t make you worry that the fight will end the relationship.
Successful couples are able to break the intensity of a fight by making a joke, conceding a point, or telling their partner what they appreciate about them.
Key tip for your dating search Remember that you’ll inevitably have disagreements with whomever you choose. Pay attention to how you fight. Are you able to get your point across? Do you feel heard? Does your partner make repair attempts to de-escalate the disagreement? The goal is to fight well, not to avoid fights altogether.
Key tip for your dating search The best way to know what it will be like to make decisions with someone is to actually make decisions together. Real decisions (read: not whether to order Chinese or Thai food). It’s critical to stress-test your relationship. I am not recommending that you artificially create a crisis (such as texting: “HELP! Grandma’s been kidnapped!”), but I am recommending you pay attention during shared experiences that challenge both of you. For example, what happens when you try to cook a complicated meal or travel internationally? Or when you’re driving together and your car breaks down in the middle of the road? What do you do when you’re each invited to a different wedding on the same weekend? How do you react when you’re stuck deciding between two equally good (or equally bad) options? Dan Ariely offers something called “the canoe test.” Share a canoe. Yes, an actual canoe. Can you find a rhythm together? Is one of you comfortable leading and the other following, or do you both want to be in charge at all times? Most important, how much do you blame your partner when things go awry? Pay attention to how you literally navigate choppy water together as a team.
There wasn’t that voice in the back of my head wondering, Does he like me? because I knew he did. He’d send me texts like “I’m excited to spend time with you today”; “I like your brain”; and “I just want to rush into things with you.”

Relationship science can teach us what really matters for committed long-term relationships. Seek Life Partners: people who are trustworthy and reliable and who will stay with you for the long haul. Avoid Prom Dates: individuals who are fun in the short term but ultimately let you down.
Superficial qualities like looks and money matter less for long-term relationship success than people think they do because lust fades and people adapt to their circumstances. The same goes for shared hobbies and similar personalities.
A great long-term partner is loyal, kind, and emotionally stable, a person with whom you can grow, make hard decisions, and fight constructively.
In the end, a relationship is about what happens when the two of you come together. Focus on the side of you this person brings out, because that’s who you’ll be whenever you’re with them.

How to avoid the pitfalls of online dating

Issue #1: Our brains focus on what’s measurable and easily comparable. Apps display superficial traits, making us value these qualities even more.
Using data from a popular dating website, Ariely found that a man has to earn $40,000 more each year to be as desirable as a man one inch taller. Yes:$ 40,000.
Apps make it easy to compare height. While women have long favored tall men, the digital world exacerbates this preference. Because of the explicit height comparison across online dating profiles, shorter men are at a much greater disadvantage than they would be in the real world.
Issue #2: We think we know what we want, but we’re wrong. The apps allow us to filter out great potential matches.
Most of us have no idea what kind of partner will fulfill us long term.
status quo bias—our tendency to leave things as they are, to not rock the boat. That’s why businesses with subscription-service models tend to be lucrative. If you sign up for a gym membership and it’s automatically renewed each month, you’re much less likely to make the call to cancel than if you had to decide every month whether you want to keep the service.
Issue #3: Apps promote “relationshopping”—searching for potential partners like potential purchases.
treating potential partners like potential purchases gets us into trouble. A team of behavioral economists, including Michael Norton and Dan Ariely, explained in a research paper that many consumer items are “searchable goods”: things like cameras, laundry detergent, and big-screen TVs that can be measured based on their objective attributes. These differ from “experience goods,” which they define as being “judged by the feelings they evoke, rather than the functions they perform. Examples include movies, perfume, puppies, and restaurant meals—goods defined by attributes that are subjective, aesthetic, holistic, emotive, and tied to the production of sensation.
Apps primarily give us a list of résumé traits and nothing more. Only by spending time with someone can you appreciate that person for the “experiential good” they are.
Issue #4: Apps make us more indecisive about whom to date.
Remember what psychologist Barry Schwartz discovered about the paradox of choice: We assume that more choice will make us happier, but that’s often not the case. In fact, too many options make us less happy, in part because of choice overload. It can feel so overwhelming to compare our options that we may give up and make no decision at all.
It’s not just that too many choices make it hard to decide. Schwartz tells us that even when we’re able to overcome choice overload and make a selection, having so many options to choose from makes us less satisfied with what we choose. (This effect can be amplified when you’re a Maximizer, as discussed in Chapter 4.)
The more options you have to choose from, the more chances you have to feel regret about your selection. This can even lead to feelings of depression.
Issue #5: When we see only a rough sketch of someone, we fill in the gaps with flattering details. We create an unrealistic fantasy of this person, which ultimately leaves us disappointed.
I call this error in judgment the Monet Effect. When we have only a rough perception of someone, our brain, hoping for a great outcome, fills in all the gaps optimistically. People seem way more desirable than they actually are. It’s only later, when they transform into real people standing in front of us, that we see the flaws.
As you evaluate potential matches, look for what’s attractive about someone rather than what turns you off.
Don’t Go Out With Too Many People at the Same Time
I want you to broaden your filters to see different kinds of people and go out with some of them. But—and this is a big “but”—I don’t want you going on tons of dates at the same time. That will only make the Monet Effect worse.
While it seems obvious, a good profile should represent you, not an aspirational version of yourself. Being up front about who you are will help save you heartache down the road,
To spark conversations be specific.
Focus on what you like, not what you don’t.

We think we know what we want when it comes to a partner, but our intuition about what will lead to long-term happiness is often wrong.
Dating apps may cause us to focus on the wrong things. We value what gets measured. Because apps can only measure superficial traits, they exacerbate our shallowness.
Apps can make us more indecisive by overwhelming us with choices. They’ve created a habit of relationshopping—comparing and contrasting people as if they’re potential purchases.
We can learn to swipe smarter by expanding our settings to see more people, being less judgmental when we swipe, dating fewer people at a time, and transitioning to the date faster.

How to find love off the dating apps

Research from psychology professor Gail Matthews shows that publicly committing to a goal makes people more likely to accomplish what they set out to do.
Our instinct to avoid conversations with strangers is wrong. We only think we want solitude. We underestimate how much joy social connection can bring.

While apps are the most common way people meet one another these days, you can still strategize ways to meet people IRL (in real life).
Go to events. Use the Event Decision Matrix to figure out the most promising ones to attend, based on how likely you are to enjoy the activity and how likely you are to interact with other people.
Get your friends and family to set you up on dates by letting them know this is something you’re interested in, making the process easy for them, saying yes to dates, and giving feedback (and gratitude). You can even offer incentives.
Connect with people you already know. Your person may be hidden in plain sight. All you have to do is change your frame of mind.
Introduce yourself to people when you’re out and above. Improve your chances by taking off your headphones and interacting with the world around you. If you’re at an event and you don’t know what to say, get in a line and start commenting on it! People in lines love to discuss lines.

How to create better dates

That example demonstrates one of the most important lessons of behavioral science: The environment in which we make our choices matters.
When we go on dates, we’re impacted by more than just the physical location of where we meet. The environment of a date is also when we meet, what we do, and the mindset we bring to it.
Many of my clients, desperate to find love but also busy with other commitments, have managed to drain all the flirtation and fun out of the experience of dating. Instead, they tend to engage in what I call evaluative dating (or “evaludating,” if you want to be cute about it).
The point of the first date isn’t to decide if you want to marry someone or not. It’s to see if you’re curious about the person, if there’s something about them that makes you feel like you would enjoy spending more time together.
Here’s how to make dating fun again: 1) Shift your mindset with a pre-date ritual.
There’s an old Henry Ford quote that goes, “Whether you believe you can do a thing or not, you are right.”
Here are some pre-date rituals from my clients: “I always plan ahead. I turn off my work notifications. I try to block off at least thirty minutes before starting my date. I usually call one of my closest friends, someone who makes me feel confident and loved.” “I like to listen to comedy before a date. My favorite podcast is called Good One. On every episode, comedians share one of their all-time favorite jokes and then analyzes it with the host. It makes me laugh and puts me in a good mood.” “I do jumping jacks to get my heart pumping. It releases endorphins and puts me in a good mood.”
You can find a whole list of creative date ideas on my website (loganury.com).
Here are some outside-the-box dates that my clients and I have come up with: Visit a farmers’ market and then cook brunch. Go roller-skating. Create a two-person hot-sauce-tasting contest. Watch YouTube to learn a dance from a favorite childhood music video. Do karaoke. See an old movie and then discuss it over a walk. Take a cooking class. Go for a bike ride and bring a picnic. Try swing dancing. Check out the stars at the local observatory. Rent scooters and explore the city. (Bring helmets!) Play games at a local arcade. (Bring quarters!) Bring watercolors to the park and paint pictures of the same tree (or each other!).
1. Show your work. Research from Harvard Business School professors Ryan Buell and Michael Norton found that people value something more when they see all the effort that went into it.
It’s not about bragging or exaggerating; it’s about making your efforts apparent so your date can appreciate them more.
Play, on the other hand, involves being a present, honest version of yourself—just a little lighter. In an article in the New York Times called “Taking Playtime Seriously,” Catherine Tamis-LeMonda, a professor of psychology at New York University, explained it this way: “Play is not a specific activity, it’s an approach to learning, an engaged, fun, curious way of discovering your world.” Play is intrinsically motivated—that means it’s for its own sake, rather than achieving a goal.
Have fun. Be silly. Make a joke. Humor is a great tool to create a sense of play. When we laugh, our brains release a happy cocktail of hormones, changing our psychology. Laughing releases oxytocin—the same bonding hormone released during breast-feeding—and makes us trust the other person more. (And if it’s oxytocin we’re after, laughing is a more socially appropriate activity on a first date than breast-feeding.) Laughter lowers levels of the stress hormone cortisol, allowing us to relax. Laughter also creates a dopamine hit, activating our brain’s pleasure centers. It reinforces our behavior and makes us want to go back for more. All good things for a first date: more bonding, less stress, and an improved chance of a second date.
But good dates are about connecting with another person, not showing off. It’s like this quote from Maya Angelou: “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” Instead of trying to be interesting, make the person feel interesting.
You can become a better conversationalist by learning to give support responses rather than shift responses. Sociologist Charles Derber identified a shift response as a moment in which you shift the focus of the conversation back to yourself. A support response, on the other hand, encourages the speaker to continue the story.
The Post-Date Eight What side of me did they bring out? How did my body feel during the date? Stiff, relaxed, or something in between? Do I feel more energized or de-energized than I did before the date? Is there something about them I’m curious about? Did they make me laugh? Did I feel heard? Did I feel attractive in their presence? Did I feel captivated, bored, or something in between?

We’re suffering from the rise of evaluative dating—cross-examinations that feel like job interviews. Throw out your checklist and shift to the experiential mindset. Stay present and pay attention to how you feel around the other person.
Mindset matters: Whether you believe the date will go well or poorly, you’re right. You can use a pre-date ritual to get into the right mental state before a date.
With a little planning, you can design better dates. Be thoughtful about where and when you go out. Incorporate play. Choose more creative activities, resist small talk, stay off your phone, and end on a high note. Be a good listener by offering support responses that encourage your date to elaborate on a story, instead of shift responses that direct the conversation back to you.
Instead of evaluating your date against certain criteria, answer the Post-Date Eight questions to tune in to how your date makes you feel.

How to reject myths about instant chemistry

because the more we see something, the more we like it. Psychologists call this the mere exposure effect. Exposure breeds familiarity. We’re attracted to (and feel safe around) familiar things and people.
This initial rating, based on first impressions, is known as mate value. Three months later, at the end of the semester, the researchers asked students to evaluate their peers again. Now that the students knew one another, the scores had much more variability. These new scores reflected what’s called unique value, what you think of someone after spending time with them.
The importance of mate value disappears over time. What matters is how you feel about someone as you get to know them.
Stop believing that if a dependable person doesn’t give you butterflies, it must not be love. It’s still love, just not the anxious kind.
Plenty of good relationships start with the spark, but plenty of bad ones do, too. The important thing to remember is that its absence doesn’t predict failure, and its presence doesn’t guarantee success.
“The spark is neither necessary nor sufficient for long-term relationship happiness.”

F** k the spark! Fireworks and instant chemistry are often absent at the beginning of a relationship. Chemistry can build over time.
Context matters. You may not feel the spark with someone, simply because of the environment in which you meet.
The spark is not always a good thing. That feeling of chemistry may actually be anxiety because the person doesn’t make it clear how they feel about you. Sometimes the presence of a spark is more an indication of how charming someone is—or how narcissistic—and less a sign of a shared connection.
If you feel the spark, that doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is viable. Even if it leads you into a long-term relationship, it’s not nearly enough to keep the relationship going; nor is it a sign that you’re meant to be together.
Ditch the spark and go after the slow burn—someone who may not be particularly charming but would make a great long-term partner.

How to decide if you should see someone again

We can train our mind to look for the positive and follow the dating version of the Golden Rule: Do not judge others the way you would not want to be judged.
At our next meeting, I sat him down. “Grant, you are not simply a compilation of your worst qualities or habits, right? You are not your flaws. You are a whole person with good traits and bad ones, and you want to be seen and evaluated based on that whole package, not just your areas for improvement. Do not judge others the way you would not want to be judged.”
For example, if you and your date practice different religions, and you both want your kids to be raised solely in your faith. Anything less important is a nice-to-have but not a requirement.

The negativity bias is our natural tendency to ruminate on what’s gone wrong. You can override it by seeking out your date’s best qualities. Remember the dating version of the Golden Rule: Do not judge others the way you would not want to be judged.
We’re prone to the fundamental-attribution error—our tendency to believe someone’s actions reflect who they are rather than their circumstances. For example, if someone arrives late to a date, we may assume they’re selfish. We can override this error by coming up with a more compassionate reason for their behavior. Perhaps their boss dropped by their desk for a last-minute conversation when they were trying to leave work.
We are worse judges of character than we think, and it often takes time for attraction to grow. Therefore, we should create a default: Go on the second date.
Distinguish your Permissible Pet Peeves from your dealbreakers. Don’t write someone off because of something silly that doesn’t really matter long term.
Don’t you dare ghost!

How to Consciously Navigate Relationship Milestones

Married couples who move in together before they get married tend to be less satisfied and more likely to divorce than those who don’t. This association is known as the cohabitation effect.

A decision point is a moment in which you decide whether to continue what you’re doing or choose a different path. It shifts your brain from unconscious thinking to deliberate decision-making. Relationships are full of decision points. They provide an opportunity to pause, take a breath, and reflect.
Psychologists describe two ways couples transition into the next stage of a relationship: deciding or sliding. Deciding means making intentional choices about relationship transitions. Those who slide slip into the next stage without giving it much thought. Couples who decide tend to enjoy healthier relationships.
When you start seeing someone, don’t make assumptions about whether you’re in a relationship. You need to DTR (define the relationship) to ensure that you’re on the same page about where you are and where you’re headed.
Moving in together makes you more likely to slide into marriage, so it’s important that you take this step seriously and talk about what it means for your future.

How to Decide if You Should Break Up

Tversky understood—and therefore tried to avoid—the sunk-cost fallacy. It’s the feeling that once you invest in something, you should see it through. It explains why most people force themselves to sit through a bad improv show.
If you’re planning on ending the relationship, every day you wait, you’re wasting their time, too. You should be especially sensitive if you’re dating a woman who is hoping to give birth to her own kids. You’re underestimating her opportunity cost of being with you. The longer you put off breaking up with her, the less time she has to find a new partner and build a family. The kindest thing is to give her a clear answer so she can move on and find someone else.

When people are deciding whether they should end it or mend it, they often fall into two categories: Ditchers or Hitchers.
Ditchers leave relationships too quickly, without giving them a chance to develop. They confuse falling in love with being in love, and expect the whole relationship to offer that initial excitement. They underestimate the opportunity cost of learning how to make relationships work.
Hitchers stay in relationships too long. Hitchers are affected by cognitive biases like the sunk-cost fallacy (continuing to invest in something because you’ve already dedicated a lot of resources to it) and loss aversion (our tendency to try and avoid losses because we experience them as particularly painful). Hitchers forgo the opportunity to find a more satisfying partnership.
To figure out whether to stay or go, consider your historical tendencies and determine if you’ve given the relationship a fair chance. Get input from someone you trust to help you make your decision. Ask yourself the Wardrobe Test question: If my partner were a piece of clothing in my closet, what would they be?

How to break up with someone

When you’ve decided you want to break up with someone, it’s time to make a plan. Think through what you’re going to say and when and where you’re going to say it. Be kind but firm.
Use an accountability system and incentives to ensure that you follow through with your plan.
Make a post-breakup plan with your partner to take their needs into consideration. And don’t have breakup sex!
Make a post-breakup plan for yourself, including whom you’ll reach out to when you’re tempted to text your ex.
After the breakup, give the other person space. Don’t try to be the Nice Breakup Person. It makes you feel better but makes it harder for them to move on.

How to overcome a heartbreak

One of the reasons breakups are so painful is because our brain is hypersensitive to loss. And breakups are a dramatic loss. They are the death of your imagined future with your partner. You’re grieving the loss of what was, what no longer is, and what will never be.
In a journal or with a friend, take some time to answer the following questions: Who were you in your last relationship? (For example, the pace-setter, pulling your partner along with you? Or the caboose, being pulled? The mentor or the mentee? The one who committed easily or the person who struggled to put down roots?) Whom do you want to be in your next one? What have you learned about what truly matters in a long-term relationship? Moving forward, what will you look for in a partner that you didn’t prioritize this time?

We’re affected by framing—our tendency to evaluate things differently based on how they’re presented. You can speed up your recovery process after a breakup by reframing this experience from a loss to an opportunity for growth and learning.
Breakups wreak havoc on your physical and emotional health. But we’re more resilient than we think. What you feel during a breakup is only temporary.
Journaling helps. Write about the positive aspects of the breakup, and the negative aspects of the relationship, to help yourself move forward.
You can regain your sense of identity, which is often disrupted by a breakup, by participating in “rediscover yourself” activities—things that you enjoyed doing previously but gave up during your relationship.
You can grow from the experience by focusing on what you learned and what you’ll do differently in the future. Go from “Time heals all wounds” to “Meaning heals all wounds.”

How to decide if you should get married

Couples who wait one to two years before getting engaged are 20 percent less likely to get divorced than those who wait under a year before putting a ring on it. Couples who wait at least three years before engagement are 39 percent less likely to get divorced than those who get engaged before a year.

Love is a drug that intoxicates us.
The false-consensus effect is our tendency to think other people see things the same way we do. When love and the false-consensus effect combine early in relationships, couples often fail to discuss important aspects of their future before they decide to get married. They assume they both want the same things without ever confirming that, which can lead to unhappy endings.
Before you decide to tie the knot, you can override the false-consensus effect by completing a series of self-reflection and partner activities called “It’s About Time: Past, Present, and Future.” You should have conversations about the past (where you’ve been), the present (where you are now), and the future (where you’re going). And it’s crucial to make time to discuss topics like money, sex, religion, and children.

How to build relationships that last

It turns out the longer you’re married, the less happy you are. Happily ever after, my ass.
“The quality of your relationships determines the quality of your life. Relationships are your story, write well, and edit often.”

Over the last forty years, fewer and fewer of us are finding long-term relationship happiness. The good news is that great relationships are created, not discovered. You can build the relationship of your dreams.
Creating a relationship that can evolve is the key to making it last. We underestimate how much we’ll grow and change in the future, and should seek out relationships where we can learn and grow together with our partner.
Writing a Relationship Contract allows you to set the direction for your partnership and revise that vision over time. A weekly Check-In Ritual helps you deal with problems as they arise.
In a world of Intentional Love, you design your life, you hold yourself accountable, you are honest with yourself about who you are and what you want, and most important, you course-correct when you need to. You don’t live someone else’s idea of life, you live yours. Now go out there and live intentionally ever after.